Saturday, February 18, 2006

The Japanese Secret: Better living through anal constriction

Here I am driving myself crazy editing my book manuscript and staring at the computer screen. So, during one of my breaks, I did some google searching on Japanese Engrish and lo and behold, came up with this unbelievable book:

How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? by Hiroyuki Nishigaki.

Yes, this is a real book. Sold on Amazon.com.
"I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway. I have known 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness and joy. He has neither complained nor born a grudge under any circumstance. Furthermore, he can make love three times in succession without drawing out.

In addition, he also can have burned a strong beautiful fire within his abdomen. It can burn out the dirty stickiness of his body, release his immaterial fiber or third attention which has been confined to his stickiness. Then, he can shoot out his immaterial fiber or third attention to an object, concentrate on it and attain happy lucky feeling through the success of concentration.

If you don't know concentration which gives you peculiar pleasure, your life looks like a hell.

Besides shooting out a big blank from your buttock, you can feel as if your root chakra leaked sweet hot mucus."
Now, I've checked Nishigaki's homepage, and here's what he has to say on a FAQ about his method:
(1)how long do you squeeze each time?

3-5 minutes. 100 times in total a day is OK if you are busy.
3-5 minutes. 100 times in total a day is OK if you are busy.
The purpose is to temper the muscle of anus and of abdomen, so no stool discharge is OK, only half an inch is OK, only 5 minutes is OK. In my case, I release fecal matter 2-4 times a day.
within a few seconds.

(2)how soon will we start seeing results?

In a few months. We will begin to have good complexion. Irony, nervousness, irritation, thick-wit, dreariness of our eyes will begin to decrease. As a result, we will begin to be often asked by other people "You have changed for better. Have something good happened to you recently?"in a few months. Woman will become more charming even without make-up.
He's appeared on over 70 American radio talk shows to promote his method of well-being.

Scary thing is, I think this author is dead serious.

Even scarier, this book was #300,735 on Amazon.com, beating out books like:
  • Franny and Zooey, by J.D. Salinger.
  • Border Patrol Exam (Complete Preparation Guide)
  • Calvin Coolidge: A Biography
  • Mathematics : A Discrete Introduction
  • Selected Myths (Oxford World's Classics) by Plato, Catalin Partenie
  • The Power Of A Positive Teen, by Karol Ladd
What a bummer it is to be an academic writer. Do all that research on our great president Calvin Coolidge and be outsold by an author who claims that anus-clenching can banish depression. And scary to think that we have more people practicing anal constriction than studying for the Border patrol exam.

Here's a link to a video by Rob Pongi, crazy gaijjin who lives in Tokyo. He puts Nishigaki's theories to the test.

But be careful: Nishigaki's method to banish depression may be too powerful for casual use. Here's what one reviewer has to say:
I cant stop shooting buckets of old black excrement! Help!, September 18, 2001
Reviewer: A reader from lakewood, CO United States


I followed the directions, did the recommended 3 weeks fast, and cant stop shooting buckets of old black excrement! The sweet mucus wont stop either! I constricted anus everyday, followed by denting navel 100 times after constricting anus 100 time in the style of the longed lived british, and the flow of sweet hot mucus from my third attention wont stop! I do feel less depressed however, so the book gets 5 stars.
Now go out there and give me 100 constrictions! And that's an order!

4 comments:

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

Ew. Ew. Ew. This is worse than the "Japanese Women Don't Get Fat or Old" book I just read last month.

Ew. Ew. Ew.

Eric said...

Oh my god! Oh my god! I can't stop laughing. My root chakra must be leaking too much sweet hot mucus!

jamie ford said...

I can't wait for the infomercial.

Wow, I must have that book. The ultimate coffee table conversation piece.

Anonymous said...

I think Calvin Coolidge would have loved this. He was the most anus-clenching US president I can think of.